bfg on why I suck ass

I like using the word "suck ass". It is really disgusting. I never realized that until I told someone, "You rock ass." and then they said, "That is disgusting" and then I visualized it and yeah... totally raunchy. Now I use it ALL the time.

So, I was reading some of my blog posts and I realized that they portray evil, bushy eyed Japanese English Teachers. When in fact, usually they are nice, wonderful and generous people.

So I thought to share a few anecdotes, the first one being about how I ... do things ass-like.

I actually go in early in the mornings. I get my tea, I make photocopies, I fix my scooter hair... you know. Do things. In Canada, I never gave a rats ass about my job. But here... I want everything to be perfect. Sometimes, I see the perfectionist my sister is with her kitchen in me when I prepare for a lesson. If there is one black spot on my photocopies I go bessurk, call the teachers in and demand a cleaning so my students can have perfect stencils. I won't use the recycled paper and I like my tests on A4 paper stabeled not large poster paper that is so ugly. Yes, they hate me when I photocopy. I am the Photocopy Bitch. Fuck, that would make a good Halloween costume someday.

So this morning, there I was happy to have made it alive, since who knows when I will be trampled to death by a wild pig, when M sensei, my supervisor, came up to me. M sensei is in her 50s but looks about 30... maybe 31. She is so cute - no other word for it. She is so tiny and cute like a mouse in a Disney movie. She is so kind and is always in a precarious position. I mean imagine this 4 foot 9 little thing between an Italian giant with flying hands and the "stoic" vice-principal? Yes, do light a candle for her.

"Banessa-sensei! Good Morning! How are you?..."

"Alive." I smile! I am a sadistic ass-sucker.

She stares. She blinks. "Okay... ne!? So, teachers tell me you must put back projector. I am sorry but you must."

Now, this requires some context. Anyone who knows me knows I can not spell. When I tell my students "Spelling Counts" the inner-non-teacher-Vanessa cringes in guilt and shame at having broken a promise long ago to never care about English spelling because it makes no sense. When I was dreaming about being Michelle Phiffer in an urban school back in Canada, I was struck with terror at the thought that I HAVE TO WRITE ON A BLACKBOARD (or Whiteboard). Holy asses! I can not do that ! No way. Nervous. Sweat. What if I do not shave my pitts that day? What if I misspell Canada and then forever I have branded the word "Kaca" as the name of my country in the minds of 40 students!?

But, Eureka! I have Jingu, my trusted computer companion who just happens to be a sexy delicious Macbook. I can do all my writing there and just project it all on the white board. I never thought that Toshiba-Sony-Land would have ONE projector for an entire school. Never.

So when I came to the Shiz... yeah man, it was so hard. I had to STEAL this projector. Sometimes I have to hunt people down. And though I have some shame, I abandon it all and RUN after the principal for the computer keys if it means not having to write on that board. Terrified is what I am and when afraid I am at my bravest or worst. It depends on your prospective.

So when M sensei told me I had to put back the projector, it suddenly got very hot in the room. "Ummmm, but then how am I guaranteed to have the projector. I mean I actually use it EVERY CLASS. And I am doing a unit on Canadian Music... , "where I spent HOURS downloading music videos and making crazy memo sheets and writing the lyrics because the stuff online has no proper punctuation and I felt guilty giving my students a stencil with the improper use of apostrophes, "so I can not teach without it. No way."

"I understand." Her face became flushed. I think she is afraid of me. "But it is the way."

And there I went like a fat-assed Italian baby I actually said, "Well, that way is shit."

Yup. The shame. There I am being mean first thing in the morning to the person who is my voice and it is totally not her fault. Later in the photocopy room, "M sensei! I am so sorry about this morning. I am just frustrated with "the way". Not with you." We chatted a bit and she said she totally knew and that I am very kind which is why I have so many Japanese friends (not nearly enough) blah blah. And then I said, "I have a temper you know."

"I am getting used to your ways."

Oh god. Total, donkey moment.

But I am honestly pissed. I mean we are 45 teachers plus a staff of part-timers... ONE projector!? Ridiculous! And what if someone uses it when I need it. Granted, I did make the JTE's make a poster with my schedule and post it on the cub board where the projector is which says PLEASE DON'T TAKE THE PROJECTOR AT THIS TIME (I made it in English but asked them to translate)...

It is not just that... Anyone who knows me knows I can not spell and I hate the sounds of bodily noises. So the gargling, testicle shifting, sniffing, not to mention noodle slurping... I may have to choke someone or harakiri myself. So, only when I am correcting, I plug in some Neil Young or Eminem and correct away. At first, I thought the teachers thought I was a cunt and some probably do since I don't make the kids bow or say crazy polite things to me in greeting, but since they see me doing this after my work hours... now the running joke in the office is "When is Vanessa not correcting?"

But this past week I have been sick and I (re)discovered something wonderful... my disgusting LL Room which is a snap shot from the 1970s at their worst! But I have a set of speakers I "found" which I just took to the room and use to play music from my computer really loud while the kids work ... now I go there, plug in my iPod and work away in a huge ugly room where I don't have to shiver with disgust (just from cold) and can blow my nose without guilt (since that disgusts the others around me).

All to say, I am not so nice right now... but I am trying to be a really tough teacher on top of it all for my 1st years... I am doing it military style - if they don't do their work -5 hanko, lunch hour and after school with Vanessa conjugating verbs and they STILL have to do the work... Studying, bonus assignments, extra help... with some of them I am getting somewhere but it is soooo much work. I love it. I just wish I didn't have a thesis to wrinkle my brow over. It feels like the world is on my shoulders sometimes which is so solipsistic of mean but is the truth.

But now that I have written this and spent about 2 man on an absurdly large Amazon order all in the good name of "thesis research", I feel better. Thank guys!

In other news, Blue came to see me the other day.

"Banessa sensei. Here! For you!"

It was a Disney bag and a letter. "Happy Birthday!" I almost cried. I did after because it was the most thoughtful present - coasters with famous Japanese water-prints on them. "Blue! No, your birthday is important! This is too much..."

The teachers were staring. Blue talking seems to be big news.

I didn't know what to do. Should I bow or look away or something? Fuck it, I thought, I'm white. I gave her a big bear hug. "Thank you! This means so much to me!"

The letter was amazing. She told me what she wanted to be when she grew up and why... it was so touching, and real and awesome. It was an awesome teacher moment which she will probably never know how much I will cherish forever.

There is one other anecdote about my experience in Japan... actually I would have to say to date it was my most difficult experience with culture shock.

Two weeks ago, I was on a high having taught two classes semi-successfully. Coming back to the teacher's room, I heard something strange... "Is someone crying?"

No one answered of course. I spoke English and I didn't really expect anyone to answer... I just went off in search. It didn't take me long to find Lisa wailing with Y sensei, her male homeroom teacher, standing to the side facing the WALL and a female teacher chattering away in a voice I would use when having coffee with a friend. I didn't understand.

Now anyone who knows me knows I can not spell, I hate bodily noises and I have an active imagination. So, when I saw Lisa crying and two teachers one of which was speaking in a low voice... I was certain something bad happened. "Oh My God, did her father die? Her brother!?" Lisa is so lonely... her parents are divorced and she never sees her father or brother. She also never sees her mother who drives to Hamamatsu everyday. To feed herself, she buys food from the conbini... her English is superior so we talk during lunch sometimes where she told me these things and I had to nod and not cry. Fuck, I cry a lot.

No one answered me and I waited and could not help but watch and worry wanting to support her but knowing it was not my place.

I never thought they were talking about hair.

When it was over, I chased Y sensei down. "Y sensei! I am so sorry, I don't want to be rude and please don't answer if it is private but I saw Lisa crying and I want to help if I can. " I braced myself for the news.

"Oh, ummmm" Now Y sensei spent loads of time in the States and he often travels to New York so he probably knew I was going to freak. "Oh, it is just her hair."

"Her hair?"

"Yes. In Japan, your hair has to be black."

Okay... did something happen to her mothers hair or something? I turned to look at Lisa who was sitting down and trying to calm down before heading out. "I am sorry. I do not understand."

"Well, Lisa's hair isn't really black. It is now dark brown... She spent time in the sun and it highlighted her hair..."

I waited for the line that said "so it caught on fire and she has to wear a wig" but it never came. "So?"

"Well, she has to dye her hair and cut it."

"WHAT?!"

"Yes, I know this is strange for you..."

"Okay, but why was she crying..."

He explained, the poor man, but I could not understand. They had her crying in front of all the teachers and her class mates some of which were still staring at her because her hair was OFF brown.

I was mad. "That is ridiculous. This girl is doing badly in school, she is abandoned by her parents, she hasn't had a decent meal in months and you are telling me all this is about her hair! I am sorry but ..." I guess I shouldn't have said anything a part of me was saying "When-In-Rome" but the big part of me was just saying on a higher, moral level that goes beyond culture and tradition there is a fundamental right and wrong. And when this young woman is faced with so many personal and educational hurdles that requires the support and discipline of her teachers but is handed a severe punishment for hair colour... "This is wrong, Y sensei. This is just wrong."

I went to Lisa a few days later... I wanted to tell her what I thought but THAT for sure was not my place. I told her I was sorry she was even in the situation and that she can always talk to me. But even writing this I want to put my fist in the wall... this girl has so much potential to blossom into a beautiful AND intelligent woman. Right now, she misbehaves in class sometimes (like not hand in her work) for the attention she gets from the teachers... she is lonely. "I am sometimes lonely Vanessa sensei."

I end it here. I am happy I wrote this but my hands are trembling in anger right now. More coffee and I am going to outline my my Nitobe section for my thesis. I need to learn how to put work away and live my life. But when you hear words like that... it just stays branded in your heart.