Saturday, July 17, 2010

bfg and 14days

Yeah, can you believe it? two weeks to go and I am gone.

And it has started - as per usual - I am not sleeping well even when I do sleep. I am too excited, nervous, apprehensive, anxious and scared all at the same time. So much going on inside: emotions vying with each other that I am not sure how I even feel. It makes it hard to concentrate and so the reading for the thesis has suffered. Poor me.

I am starting to worry about money, about having enough in Japan to have some fun but also save enough so I am out of debt in 4 months (god, just writing that seems surreal) and paying the crazy grad school tuition fees.

I am anxious to meet my supervisor and students, to get to know them and teach them and LEARN from them.

I am so scared that I will walk into an apartment filled with cockroaches and tar. Scared that for some reason all the shops will be closed on the day I arrive in Shizuoka so I won't be able to buy a bed...

I am nervous about my Japanese - like about to projectile vomit nervous. I have been preparing my intro speech to the school and just saying, "私の名前 は ヴァネッサです。” brings on nausea. Will I sound like a five year old? Is my accent okay? Is the angle of my bow right? It is not Japan - I am often overcome with sicky feelings when I have to meet new people. It is so funny when people tell me I am so outgoing I will "make friends easily". Actually, it is really hard for me and I kinda hate doing it but force myself to just because I don't like my stomach controlling me.

Leaving Ant, the bf, is proving to be difficult. At night, I realize lying in bed that he won't be there for reassurance after a bad dream. Nor will we be there to keep each other warm at night. The idea that an entire year will pass before seeing him is scary - thank goodness for SKYPE - but at the same time I am looking forward to reasserting my independence. I just hope I don't burn down the apartment from a cooking accident while proving this to myself.

And already, the idea of just staying a year is looking impossible. How can I do all the things I want to do in Japan (Okinawa caves, Hiroshima, Sapporo, the Pacific Islands, etc.) AND save 1/2 my salary AND finish my thesis AND be a kick-ass teacher? I am trying to convince the bf to join me for a year (or some significant amount of time) should this happen but that seems unlikely - he just ain't nomadic and the pets are proving to be competition ;0. Anyways, a bridge to cross when we get there.

BUT this weekend we are going away to ... Ottawa. Now I know what you are thinking but think of it: what money we save in transport we spent on a really nice B&B with a king size bed and a tub. Yuppers - the best gift to oneself because for three days and two nights there will be no pets, no obligations, no dishes to wash - just us enjoying each others company and visiting loads of museums and bookstores. I think it is something we (well at least I) need - a pause from my psycho to-do list and repacking obsessive compulsiveness to calm down and enjoy the moment.

Talk to you when I get back! I promise pictures :)

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